When most of us hear about break-ins and robberies, we shake our heads and move on with life. “Criminals will be criminals, after all.” But not Ms. Eritrea Take. Feeling empathy and remorse for the criminals, she took a number of them in an enrolled them in her very own Ms. Take’s School for Uncouth Criminals. Hecrenews correspondent Mark Down was able to secure an interview with this kind soul, to really find out if the school works to rehabilitate criminals.

Down: “Well, it’s great to finally meet you Miss Take. I mean, er, my mistake, I meant Mrs. Take. You are married, right? Um.. HEY, SCRAWNY SCRIBE BOY! DONT YOU DARE WRITE DOWN WHAT IM SAYING RIGHT NOW CUT IT RIGHT NOW THIS PART– OUT OF THE INTERVIEW CU–”

[Down continues to abuse the handsome, muscular altogether quite scrawny scribe for some time, who takes advantage of the fact that the Hecrenews doesn’t have an editor]

Take: “Ahem, I thought you were interviewing me, not that poor boy”

“Right, right. So, what gave you the idea to reform these criminals?”

“Well, growing up, I had a criminal in the family. Our dog constantly took scraps from our dinner table, without any manners whatsoever. Later, I saw so many crimes on [inferior news source to the Hecrenews] and just compared those criminals to my dog. I was horrified that the criminals were all so blunt in their actions. So I decided to take them in and teach them some manners, so that they could go back out into the world and steal politely.”

“Wait, you’re not helping them give up committing crimes?”

“No, why would I? They’re required to give a small cut of every job to me, you know. No such thing as a free education.”

[At this point, Mark Down starts sweating profusely]

“You mean there’s filthy criminals in this building RIGHT NOW!?”

[At this point, a “filthy criminal” passes by a window, giving Mark Down a filthy look]

“There are criminals in here, but they’re not filthy! We teach them many useful skills in politeness and being mannerly. Here’s a schedule of our day-to-day activities.”

YEE

Pictured above is the usual schedule of a student at Ms. Take’s.

Our correspondent was unable to continue the interview, for purposefully ambiguous reasons. We then inquired about Ms. Take’s most recent graduating class. When the investigative team arrived at the nearest town, they were privy to a wasteland full of broken windows and looted storefronts. We inquired, and it seemed that the townspeople had experienced a massive surge of crime. However, they had nothing but good things to say about this.

A local woman’s take on the situation:

“When the gentlemen broke into my home to steal everything I owned, they apologized profusely. They didn’t mouth off like normal criminals when they saw my kids. Overall, it was a very pleasurable experience. In the end, I was pleasantly chatting with one of them while the others were rifling through my cabinets. I would rate this a 10/10. Can’t wait to get robbed again!”

Fearing for their mental sanity, our investigative team questioned no one else. The long-term effects of these new “Criminals that aren’t Animals (CTAA)”, as they call themselves, remain to be seen. This is Wopps Minor for the Hecrenews Crime and Punishment section, signing off.

EDIT by Hecrenews Article Quality Control (HAC) - Hecrenews actually does have an editing team now, mwahahahaha!