I had been sent out to Arkansas, where farmers said they’d been seeing another “mysterious visitor from space” in the sky. Fully expecting it to be just another interdimensional floating weasel, I took up the interview for one reason and one reason only: to pronounce Arkansas as Our Can Sauce in front of the locals.

My taxi took me from the airport(I didn’t know Arkansas had airports. Then again, I didn’t even know where Arkansas was, and still don’t know to this day) to the rural farming area, where I was to meet with Betsy The Shoe, whose parents obviously had good taste in names. When I got to their house, I was greeted by a huge sign of their company name, Farmers Who Farm for Food(FWFF). An elderly woman in generic farmers clothing(tye-dye T-Shirt, black leather pants, sandals, and a pair of spiked bracelets), helped me get out, and directed me to a set of chairs placed next to the anteater coop.

“Why do you have an anteater coop?” I asked, not sure of the response I would get(which is generally what happens to people who ask a question)

“For the eggs of course!” Betsy replied, as if that cleared up the situation. I decided not to press anymore and get to the matter at hand.

“Why did your parents name you Betsy The Shoe?”

“Same reason your parents named you Banana The Human. They had excellent taste.”

“Yes, yes they did.” Memories of the snake(not snaxii) that had eaten my parents telling me about how savory they were resurfaced in my mind. I quickly pushed them away with the patented MemoryAway(Now Available at a Bar Near You!) button I had installed in my head. With the sponsor advertising out of the way, I finally remembered what the boss had sent me here for.

“So this visitor you farmers were hollering about. Describe it.”

“Well, you see, Banana, we were just living our normal lives, and then one day, when that other space invader went away, a new one showed up”

“Other space Invader?”

“Yeah. I guess its been naturalized to Earth now. Most people call it the sun. But the sun isn’t anything like this one. This ones….different.”

Betsy shuddered. She tried to hide her emotions, but they revealed the horrors her mind was showing her. I put on my BraveFace(Now with improved stretching capabilities), and pressed on.

“Could you tell me more, Betsy?”

“Well, it’s like something out of Lovecraft. Its indescribable, causes madness when you see it. My brother Bobby the Boot once gazed upon its shape-shifting form and he went mad, muttering about the Cheesy Ones and some overlord named Dopey.”

“If you’ve, never seen it, how do you know it exists?”

“It doesn’t just move around in the sky, it glows, Banana. The otherwise beautiful night is savagely transformed by it. It changes shape every night, sometimes round like the eye of the wicked cyclops, sometimes curved like the scythe of the reaper. It causes these grotesque shadows to appear, and their are howls that haunt us. And the water.”

Color drained from Betsy’s face. It was clear she was going through some sort of PTSD. I knew we needed to call in the forces to stop this vile visitor, but I needed to know more.

“Betsy, calm, it’s not going to get you right now. Now what happened to the water” I said, in my most calming voice(the trick is to pretend like you care about the other person’s feelings).

“It turned pale white, Banana! White, like bone! Barty the Bot drank from it, and he’s never been the same ever since. I swear, it’s like he’s been possessed. All he does is lock himself up in his room, spontaneously yelling “The Moldymen is coming!””

At this point, Betsy broke down into tears. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. This visitor needed to be stopped, but how. I felt a faint tug in the back of my head when she mentioned the Moldymen. I swear I had heard a legend involving it. But that was long ago, and I needed to focus on the situation at hand. Suddenly, Betsy looked up, her eyes red and puffed, but she held a steely gaze.

“There it is” She spat, pointing behind me.

I whipped my head around(Crack!, went my Trachea). The sky seemed less saturated, more evil. The sun had been on the retreat during the interview, and I caught a glimpse of the visitor.

I cannot describe fully what I saw, for I was lucky that I had only seen a sliver of the thing, for any more would have driven me completely mad. The thing was a pure, blinding white. As my eyes laid upon it, images stabbed into my mind. An army marching down a desolate plain. A general, a man in Pajamas, and a fearsome warrior who emanated evil. And then I saw the most eldritch of horrors, those I cannot describe here, for they cannot be shown in words. My mind was slowly slipping away, breaking apart, becoming a sludgy soup for this visitor to feast upon.

I was only saved by the appearance of It. I do not know what else to call it, for my eyes rested on it for the most minute amount of time. But it seemed vaguely animal-like, with a large protrusion from its back. It shielded me from the light, and I snapped out of the trance I did not know I was in. Betsy was long gone by then, her face blank, her mouth making movements but no sounds coming out. Her eyes had clouded over; they were white with flecks of yellow and green.

I had to run, and run I did. I ran until I couldn’t anymore. Right before I collapsed, I sent a pager to a friend.

I was told Mjir found me, and using the tunnels that an old colleague of ours had built(he hadn’t been heard from for over 10 years, but that’s another story), he rushed me back to headquarters. Somehow they healed me, and I lived to tell the story.

The visitor is not gone. Not by a longshot. The creature that saved me may be still around, but to find it would be to delve into an era long-gone. After much thinking, I have concluded that the creature and the visitor are both older than we thought was possible. Legends have detailed a few things about a shark-like creature, a lost king, and an army of unstoppable dairy byproducts. God knows if these beings will appear, but I only hope that if they do, our faith in the Hecretary Bird’s power will be enough to protect our world.