Last Thursday, numerous reports surfaced of a child buying a candy cane during lunchtime. Aside from the fact that we aren’t anywhere close to Christmas time, this situation was alarming for another, graver reason. As soon as he received the deadly implement, the child, whose identity is still unknown, started licking. Licking a candy cane. Despite the universally held precept that candy canes and popsicles are for biting, this child licked in open rebellion.

Our informants soon lost interest in the child’s pathological licking, and we are in the dark as to what happened until the attacks. They started during the last few minutes of lunch. All was quiet, until the child raised his weapon and started brandishing it, yelling incomprehensible warlike exclamations. Quickly, the rest of the student body evacuated the area. The school fencing team valiantly stayed behind, quickly licking down popsicles into dangerous weapons. What followed was a battle of epic proportions, akin to The Legendary Battle, we must say. Candy Cane vs. Popsicle. The child was ganged up on, but he pressed on, with the knowledge that with time, the fencing team’s strength (and popsicle length) would wane.

Passerby Horatio Fella was at the site of the confrontation as well, quickly drawing upon his considerable journalism skills to capture the image through the power of a No. 2 pencil and a legal pad. His shaky account of the battle reads as thus:

The kid and the other kids are squaring up, oh but the other kids don’t have weapons while the kid has his candy cane menace. Oh wait, they’re buying popsicles! And thanking the lunch lady to boot. Oh my goodness! They’re fencing! Or, at least the kids with the popsicles are fencing. Oh no, the popsicles are melting. I repeat, THE POPSICLES ARE MELTING! Oh… the candy cane child has them at cane-point. I can’t write this.. Oh. He sees me. Ooohhh he’s coming towards me OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH

All that the authorities recovered from Horatio were the legal pad and his left sock. The Kandy Kane Kid, as the locals have started referring to him, is still at large. The Hecrenews recommends not going to schools for whatever reason for maxmimum chances of survival.