Elisaveta Eógan wanted to call her parents during the holiday season but was faced with a major problem: she had no phone.

“In this day and age everyone is able to communicate to anyone! Family, friends, and even strangers! I was horrified this morning. I tried to call my parents, I tried to call my friends, I even tried to call my pet pangolin, no one picked up the phone!” “How exactly were you trying to call these people?” I asked. “Well, everyone just says they simply call someone, so I tried doing that. It didn’t work.” “Did you have a phone or something to call the people you were trying to call?” “No, I do not have a phone.”

This is truly a sad turn-out of events. Turns out Eógan is not the only person who is unable to call people since she doesn’t have a phone. Statics show 100% of people who do not have access to a phone are unable to call people. Science has proved it is basically impossible to phone someone without some type of phone. The paper in question had many disclaimers because they knew there would be that one guy who was gonna turn their microwave into a phone. Gosh darn that one guy, always making lives harder for paper writers.

Scientists have instructed everyone in this situation to ‘stay calm’ and ‘do not panic’ as it is supposedly normal. However, the people affected by the lack of phone cannot come to the real world terms of being unable to contact everyone. They’re gonna miss out on all the gossip. Eógan was at work when she heard Susan and Billy just broke up, she didn’t even know they got together! The lack of phone is causing time to leave these people behind, create quasi time travelers.

Time travelers are a big problem. They cause too many paradoxes. Just because a big big company like Marvel explains time travel one way doesn’t mean it’s the correct or even only way. There are so many time travel paradoxes, it’s like opening a can of worms and then trying to go into the past to tell yourself to not open the can of worms but by going into the past you have basically opened the can of worms again. The Grandfather paradox is a popular one. If you go back in time and kill your grandpa (why would you even do this, you wicked person!), what will happen? If your grandpa is not alive, he would have never given birth to one of your parents and then you, meaning you do not exist and have never traveled back in time, but you do exist, so what happens? People like to think about this problem but philosophy is not a legitimate job anymore. Aristotle and Plato and Diogenes and all your favourite philosophers were seen as geniuses for their time, but in these times no one gets paid for thinking random stuff like “What is it? I am? Am I? How to be?” In fact, many people aren’t even getting paid because they are getting laid off! If I got a dollar for everytime I thought something random like those old philsophers I would already be retired, maybe I would have the boss even working for me!

Anywho, I have gotten way past the effort point of writing this article in return for pay. If you want a better article (or the full version) make sure you purchase the DLC.