Carl Mugabe is a generous elderly man on a mission: to change local schoolkids’ lives for the better. After retiring from the head position of an esteemed protein supplement manufacturer, Mugabe decided that he would attempt to put a smile on every child’s face at a local school. Every day, Mugabe enters the parking lot in his white ice cream van, ready to serve the bored-out-of-their-minds students of Leafblower Elementary. Children flock to the van in droves, ready for sugary goodness to liberate them from the mind-numbing ordeals of K-5th grade. Mugabe tells us that since its creation, Free Ice Cream, inc. has been 100% non-profit. In an interview, Mugabe tells Hecrenews reporter Fred Dome about how he started this oh-so-generous hobby.

Oh, it’s always been about the kids. Ever since I first graduated from Leafblower, all I’ve done is look back on that mindless tedium of common core education I had to suffer. I don’t want other kids to suffer the same fate, so I brighten up their day a little with me trusty Ice-Cream Van. Yes, leaving the fitness job was no easy task, but I figured I had enough saved up to stop telling people about how their life problems could be fixed by Flab-be-gone.

For the last 7 years and 3 months, Carl Mugabe has been in the parking lot of Leafblower Elementary for every single recess time. Choosing to skip out on various psychiatric check-ups, haircuts, and even vehicle inspections was not an easy task, but Mugabe, an alumnus of Leafblower, did it without looking back, because “[he] couldn’t just sit around and let the kids succumb to the school system as [he] had.” Indeed, Carl did spend most of his time studying instead of eating ice cream. He almost entirely blames his superb education on the severe lack of an on-campus ice cream man, stating that his personal motto was “study, study studies, boy I ain’t got time for buddies” instead of the preferred “GIVE ICE CREAM OR ELSE.”

The State of the School

Mugabe hopes that with his services, “joy will return to Leafblower Elementary, so it’ll seem like the good old days again.” Here, Carl references Daredevil Jack, a recklessly intrepid 5th grader who, when Mugabe was merely in kindergarten, was famous around the district for going really high on the swings and then jumping off. Everybody was in awe of his stunts, and the Elementary School economy flourished through the various action figures of Daredevil Jack and the endorsements that this oh-so-cool individual gave. Truly a golden age for Leafblower.

Sadly, this all changed when the school board hired a new principal in the middle of the year, Mr. Karo Cann. Cann made sure that the students would actually learn in school by making the executive decision to cart away the swingset, leaving only a forlorn-looking rusty metal slide in the playgorund. While legend has it that Daredevil Jack chained himself to the swingset and was carted away with it to regions unknown, we are only sure that he disappeared (or graduated) after the schoolyear ended. Gradually, the new establishment made Leafblower Elementary a “learning environment”, where students were made to sit at desks and listen to teachers. Leafblower Elementary evolved from a haven of sorts to a dreary factory of excellent grades and hard workers. With Mugabe’s efforts, perhaps Leafblower Elementary can be restored to its former glory.

Student Opinion

During the past year of Mugabe’s magnanimous efforts, he has touched many hearts and minds, inspiring them to rise up against the establishment with the sugar in their veins and the spark of rebellion in their souls. One such revolutionary, fourth grader Kleen X (last name hidden in case the establishment is reading this), gives the Hecrenews his opinion on Mugabe:

When I first heard of this [Carl Mugabe] guy who gave students free ice cream every day in the parking lot, I was wary. Y’know, stranger danger and stuff. But there wasn’t anything to do during recess, except for testing your heat-caused-by-friction tolerance on that metal menace that used to be a slide. So I went to the van. At first, he was only selling shapeless pulp instead of the 27 flavors of ice cream he’s got today, but that was enough for me. I took the free stuff, and immediately opened my eyes. I saw how we were practically being forced to improve ourselves, and obviously didn’t stand for it. I then went around and gathered up a select group of like-minded individuals–No, I will not tell you who they are–and we started the revolution. It was just small acts at first, yawning in class and not maintaining eye contact with the teacher at all times, but we’ve since expanded. All thanks to that Mugabe man. Very kind of him.

Many other children echo Kleen’s sentiments and support Carl Mugabe’s efforts just as vehemently.

While teachers don’t necessarily agree with the children eating up free ice cream and revolutionary ideals, there isn’t a thing they can do. If they went out to reprimand Mugabe, a revolutionary could easily snap a photo and twist it so that they would appear to be receiving ice cream from him, and the teachers are well aware of this. The horror of being publicly excommunicated as a rebel sympathizer would be crushing to any current teacher at Leafblower.

Mugabe is creating a joyous environment that the elementary schoolers will remember for the rest of their lives. Who wouldn’t want free ice cream every day? Such a kind, caring old man. We should all strive to be more like Carl Mugabe, the saviour of Leafblower Elementary.

In other news, Leafblower Elementary faces a wave of resignations caused by an unforseen increase in “sugar rushed” schoolchildren. (full article coming soon– no paid DLC required)