You know what, the boss said I had to try something different. Not my usual 1st person view style, but your classic 3rd person definitely not objective Hecrenews style. I guess why not.

The boss also wanted me to put in a plugin for a Hecrenews survey. Take it if you want(or not, just know that if you don’t my pay gets lowered). Here’s the survey.

Ok. Shutting down 1st person, booting up 3rd person. This is going to be a ruff ride.

A new breakthrough in the Space Race! Aaaaand I give up. This 3rd person thing is kind of hard.

The boss had sent me to Florida. Great, the land of ripoff Californians and namesake men. Though, to be fair, they do have an awesome plethora of overpriced theme parks(I hear the H-Bird is planning on opening a park in Florida too). I had an interview scheduled with Ki Lhaim(pronounced Lie-m), the man responsible for this breakthrough.

As I stepped through the Hawaiian Themed Resort(in Florida, god, these people), I was greeted by friendly neon humanoids, possibly an alien species. Forgetting that I had an interview to do, I immediately started chatting up the nearest one, a male? specimen by the name of Ralph. Turns out these beings lived in Florida, and have been around for quite a long time. Before I could press on and uncover the truth behind aliens, a large round object hit me in the back of the head.

Yes, a UFO! I thought. I turned around, albeit kind of groggily, for I had just been smacked in the head, and found a bright purple frisbee. Gosh darn it.

“Hey sir, are you…. Banana the Human?” A voice called.

I whipped wopped to the source of the sound. It was a short, bearded man, with a friendly smile and whatnot descriptions(don’t judge, it’s not like I write for a living).

“Why yes, yes I am. Are you Ki Lhaim, my dude?”

“You betcha. Come on, let’s get this interview thing started”

We headed to the customary so-so restaurant all resorts have, ordered some fries with a side of burnt shrimp tails, and proceeded to talk.

“So, mmmm, what a beat, this food is so good. Sorry, I just have a problem whenever burnt shrimp tails are around,” Ki mumbed through the ginormous mouthfuls he was force-feeding down his gullet.

“No, problem, quite understandable”, I said, surprising myself with my politeness. “Can we get to the deets of the feats that supposedly went down on one of the air fleets?”

“Alright. It was really weird. I was aboard one of those air-birds, you know, the ones with those nonmoving wings.”

“You mean, airplanes?”

“Ah, yeah, air-pains. Well anyway, we were up in the sky, zooming to Chattanooga, and I was getting really excited. You see, I was going to meet the Roller, the most gangsta gangsta, well you know. He’s awesome. And I got so hyped up I sneezed. And then all heck(retary bird) broke loose.”

“Wait a second, you got hyped up and sneezed. How does that even work?”

“I don’t know, Banana, I’m no ornithologist. Anyway, as soon as I sneezed, the plane lurched back, and before anyone could shout “That’s a big achoo siree”, we were back in Florida.”

Intrigued, I pressed on for more information(this sentence was probably not needed, but as Wopps probably told you, we have a minimum word count that needs to be met or else the boss only pays us for 1 meal a day).

“Banana, that’s when the scientists came in. They took me to a special lab-type thing, and forced me into a little space capsule. As soon as I was inside, they sprayed pepper spray everywhere. Now you know pepper spray, it makes you sneeze real good. Before I knew it, I was aboard the space station.”

“And what’s next for this new form of propulsion, eh”, I asked, a little more Canadian than usual.

“Well, I’ve been getting calls from all the big erasers up there in the aviation world. The Left bros, The Intergalactic Pseudo-Empire, but I’ve decided on Melon Tusk, that man’s a cool dude.”

At the mention of Melon Tusk, I got repulsed. The man and I had some history I would rather not go into. He’s brilliant of course, but he and I had some beef one day, and let’s just say he’s vegetarian now. I decided to end this interview before I started overturning tables and throwing up chandeliers.

“Allright Ki, thanks for your time, my dude. Wish you the best of luck with Tusk, man, and may the H-Bird bless you and whatnot” I said, and got up to leave.

“But, what about my pay, Banana. I was told that Hecrenews pays its interviewees.”

“Nah, that’s probably some Snaxe propaganda, but if its a real problem, just call our customer service number”

“Oh okay Banana, will do”

Before he could realize we don’t have a customer service number of a customer service department(what do you think, there are only 3 writers and one fool leading us), I quickly left the building, got out of Florida, and headed back to HQ.

And that’s pretty much it. Lesson of the story is, if you wanna go fast, you gotta give up some snot. Maybe I should quit this job and become a motivational speaker(Bluetooth or Plug-In, that is the question).