A new commercial enzyme has made a giant splash on the health supplement scene lately. Its creator, famed mad scientist Dixon von Oriole, says that this enzyme has the potential to “revolutionize the entire industry”. But what does this enzyme do, exactly? Von Oriole gives us more in an exclusive Renews interview.

Interviewer: “So, what does this enzyme do exactly? I’ve heard a lot about it.”

Von Oriole: “Well, enzymes catalyze things, right?”

Interviewer: “Yep.”

Von Oriole: “Don’t interrupt me. This enzyme acts ju–”

Interviewer: “Didn’t you just ask me a question.”

Von Oriole: “Didn’t you just INTERRUPT ME AGAIN!?”

Interviewer: “…”

Von Oriole: “Much better. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, this enzyme catalyzes things just like other enzymes available on the market; however, it does have one major distinguishing quality.”

Interviewer: “And what wou–”

At this point, Dixon von Oriole has shot a lazer-like glare at the interviewer, which effectively shuts him/her up.

Von Oriole: “The quality is this: My enzyme catalyzes life itself! It’s magical! It’s miraculous! It’s mostly-legal!”

Interviewer: “What was that last part?”

Von Oriole: “I said don’t interrupt me, foolboy. This enzyme is world-class! It’s simply astounding! Amazing! Actively bad-for-health! It’s commendable! Creative! Constipation-inducing! I tell you, this enzyme is impeccable! Immaculate! It’ll make you Impecunious!

Dixon von Oriole then proceeded to strangely tout and then belittle his enzyme until he had done around 17 letters. At that point, his voice got hoarse and he excused himself from the interview promptly

This enzyme has caused quite a stir, and many people, curious, have tried it to see if it really does catalyze life itself. Unfortunately, they were not available for comment. Bingus Tingus III was reportedly sighted ingesting said enzyme, but declined to be interviewed. He was too busy sleeping, and nothing our interviewer did would wake him up.

It remains to be seen just what this miracle enzyme can do. Multiple big corporate firms had hired teams of scientists to try and reverse engineer the magical substance, but they all mysteriously dropped dead after testing it. Highly sus, if I do say so myself.

Short Article, I know, but I had to get within that limit. Maybe the boss will stop threatening me now, but it remains to be seen. Wopps Out.