Yo. What’s popping(“Frogs are hopping!”, says Mjir in the background). A lot of you might be wondering where I’ve been. Not to worry, I wasn’t fired or anything. I just decided to do no work at my job whatsoever. It’s a 100% effective strategy to improve your happiness(not your pay, but who cares about that?). I decided to come back because apparently Wopps and Mjir have been under a whole lotta work, and are pretty much brain-dead at this point. So to give them a chance to recharge their brain-juice, I bring to you another pretty bad article that you will learn nothing from.

The boss, hearing about my recent acquisition of a learner’s license, thought that I would be perfect to do a piece on driving safety. Boy was he wrong(Hey boss, if you are reading this, I know you said that you wanted it to promote driving safety, and this article technically kind of doesn’t, but hey, maybe we’ll get like 2 more views than usual. Please don’t fire me).

Some background. The construction firm deMoleish had recently ventured on a new modern art project of adding rotating glass cubes on roads. You know, just your everyday rotating glass cubes, complete with holographic symbols like stars with eyes and flying blue tortoise shells. But what they didn’t anticipate was their immediate destruction.

I sat down with deMoleish unpaid intern Kons Truckson Jr.(he was the only one available to do an interview, because the rest of them were slacking off), to talk about this issue.

“You go by Kons, Truck, or Junior?” I asked.

“Ummm, none of those.” he replied.

“Truck it is, son.” I said, even though I was basically his age. “So what’s going on with these cubes I’ve been hearing so much about?”

“Well, we had it originally planned to be just you know, your average sidewalk construction. But then the boss-”

“Wait. Did you say the boss?”

“Umm, yeah. Why do you ask?”

“What does he look like? Tall, bearded, has a monocle, never does any actual work?”

“Yeah, actually he does look like that. Again, why do you ask?”

“Just because.” I explained, not really explaining anything. My mind drew to the thoughts of our boss, and how he just matched the description I gave to Truck. And then I was rudely interrupted by this ingrate.

“Umm, Banana, as I was saying, the boss wanted to do something different. ‘Instead of the usual sidewalk sculptures, why don’t we do road sculptures. Those are completely safe and definitely needed’ he said. And us, being too scared to say anything, went along with the plan.”

“So you started to place these cubey things around then”

“Yeah, but for some inexplicable reason, which I could probably explain but why spoil the fun, the cubes were shattered by drivers within the first hour of placing them.”

“You ever thought of using something more sturdy then, you know, glass? Maybe a nice cube made of phone screens. Those never seem to break.”

“Nah. We don’t roll like that. Anyway, we were kind of confused about this. And also kind of losing money. So we hired analysizer/gangsta Boops of the Hitman clan, and he noticed quite a weird pattern. Turns out that all the drivers that were breaking the cubes were all relatively new, and some of them stated, though this may be due to their concussions, that they had a crazy urge to just smash into them and destroy the car in front with their turtle coverages. Honestly, I don’t have any idea what that’s about.”

“Sounds like the Hitman clan is active again. I better go get the cats.” I whispered to no one in particular, not even myself.

“Huh, what was that, Banana”

“Oh, nothing” I smiled and said. “Well, it’s been a pleasure interviewing you about… whatever we were talking about. Have a nice day, and don’t forget your Anti-Snake Spray, 100% more effective than its competitor Snaxe Spray”

Truck looked confused, but such is the fate of one named Truck. I popped out of the deMoleish HQ, got into my automobile, and drove back to the office furiously. I may have accidentally broken a few of those glass cubes myself, but the information I received was way too important, and these glass cubes were not.

I rushed into the office, starting Wopps, who was quietly snarfing chips while sitting on top of the copy machine.

“Meeting. Now. Conference Room. Wait. We don’t have one of those. Water fountain. Go”

Wopps ran off, and after I gathered Mjir, still kind of mad about being interrupted from his Galaga game, we gathered around the fountain.

“This better be important, Banana, I was just about to pump that guy in the head.” Mjir angrily said.

“Yeah man, I miss the feeling of sitting on the copier machine already” Wopps added(to what he added, no one knows).

“There’s been a development,” I said. “We might finally have a lead. To the one that tunnels”

Wopps spit out his potato chips. “WHAT? Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. The Hitman clan has come out of hiding, and this might be the only chance we have to find an old friend.”

We all looked at each other, our faces showing mixes of worry and excitement. After a long minute in thought, I went ahead and spoke.

“I’ll go get the cats”