In recent news, local resident Wimbe Wampa has recently taken ill. He was allegedly enjoying his 26th ice cream cup in an all-you-can-eat promotion of local eatery “Stuff Yer Gob”, when he suddenly felt faint. After a good night’s sleep, it was confirmed (by multiple insider sources) that Wampa had the sniffles.

Now, there’s no need for alarm. After reviewing the facts of the case, experts have decided not to call a public health emergency, because Wimbe Wampa’s sniffles are not, in fact, highly contagious. However, these experts also frown upon Wampa’s apparent disregard for his personal safety, as demonstrated by his not wearing a helmet of any kind. This was a major cause of his sickness, obviously.

Wearing a helmet is crucial to your survival in every possible way. When asked about the reason behind this, hecrenews’s Sheeple Dunnell (one of the aforementioned experts) said: “Because e = mc^2 and Newton weighed more than Bohr”.

For decades, the public has refused to wear bike helmets, and as a result, all manner of injuries, physical, mental, and even dental, have happened in quite horrifying numbers. Even the hecrenews’s own chief sciency-man, Sheeple Dunnell recently had a bad bout of diarrhoea brought on by an expired milkshake. If only poor old Sheeple had been wearing a helmet!

So take the pledge. Eliminate the veg. Pledge to wear a bike helmet, even if you think you’re the “cool” guy that don’t need no helmet. It really can save you. From illness, from hunger, from anything. Truly, the man that proudly flaunts his helmet is invincible. Try it today! To ensure that you don’t follow Wampa’s misdeed, make sure to always wear a bike helmet. Who knows, it could save your life!

Apparently this daily article thing is hard. I can literally see the quality going down the drain. Just look at the last article I wrote. Actual gold dyude. Anyways,