Valtteri Eva was never an avid reader. The only time he enjoyed books were when his parents read him bedtimes stories when he was a young child. Once Eva had to pick up a book and start reading for himself, he immediately despied it. Books were not concise, they were not getting to the point. There was all this build up and unwarranted emotional rollercoasters which cause many people to miss the theme. So much time is spent on world-building it takes forever for Eva to figure out the whole point of the book. Even textbooks are a problem for Eva. “They’re simply too long. If you can’t explain these concepts to a 6-year old, you aren’t doing it right, and there’s just too much stuff here and a 6 year old isn’t going to understand squat. My pal ain’t take no stock in ducks with faint quacks, I don’t take no stock in books.”

Eva constantly argued with his English teachers throughout elementary, middle, and high school. By the time he got to colleg ehe was just way too tired to argue with the teachers and it wasn’t worth the effort. He spent too much time talking about how the book industry needs to change but no one was bothering to listen to “[his] sound logic,” as stated by Eva. However, one night after hitting the bar Eva’s pals convinced him to join a speedreading competition. Eva had never heard of one before but instantly was not liking its vibes after seeing the ‘reading’ in speedreading. However, Eva was slightly drunk after hitting the bar so he signed up for it. Eva was a man of his word and honor so now he had to go an compete. Eva was also a competitive person, he wasn’t just going to enter a competition with no effort and straight up lose, he was going to work hard and win.

Eva didn’t know where to start. He asked English teachers how to read fast but made no progress. Turns out Eva’s English teachers don’t read fast at all. They read slow. Eva turned to other speedrunning outlets for advice. Food eating didn’t really translate but soon Eva found video game speedrunning. Eva began his research on video game speedrunning and learned to do something faster, you need to optimize. Eva was then hit with the revelation. No one had optimized reading yet! Eva was going to change the game of book speedrunning as the world knew it. He began practicing.

The day of the competition came and Eva was the outsider there. Everyone there was a nerdy bookworm who carried some books with them just for fun to read. One person read an entire book on their trip to the competition. Eva doubted himself, these nerds were pro book readers, and his aversion to books left him with a huge advantage, but he trusted his skills. The compeition started and the clock was ticking. The fastest reader and previous champion reader, Dersa Preed, was about to finish his first book when Eva declared he was done with all ten. These were no easy books. Two were solid textbooks, and the rest were at least 1000 pages each. This wasd 4 min. into the competition. Eva then had to wait for the comprehension round, this was to ensure people were actually reading the book and not skipping. Preed was expecting Eva to get all the questions wrong, but Eva got every question right, something never achieved before. Eva had just made history, and began entering more speed reading competitions. For once in his life he found something exciting and fun. He turned his worst enemy into his best friend.

Preed was super curious on Eva’s revolutionary tactic and just had to no. First Eva declined but Preed was just being too persistent. Eva eventually spilled the beans and let us in on it as well. “You see, you need to optimize. You can’t just go in and read every single word in the book, you gotta do it efficiently. I just read a few letters here and there and extrapolate the rest of the book. It’s not too hard, you should try it. With practice anything is possible.” Preed attempted this but the extrapolation was just too hard for him, Eva was a mircale on a whole other level.

Shout-out to Banana The Human for letting me in on this scoop. I hear he’s doing some mad interviews and will be dropping a mad article eventually. This has been Mister Mjir, popping in and now popping out.