In light of these recently troubling times (see The growing schism between nonveg and (inferior) veg, disappearance of food during lunchtime, and loss of consciousness during the night hours), the Hecrenews brings you a somewhat lighter story from our gaming divison.

Due to the insistent campaigning of a certain Wopps Minor, the Global Speedrun Association has included the State of Texas Assesment of Academic Readiness (STAAR) as an official speedrun. Besides the highly contested any%, categories include Commended%, NoPassage%, and the STAAR Gauntlet, in which the runner takes all of the tests. All of them. Every last one.

Professional STAAR Speedrunner Wopps Minor agreed to an interview, to talk about how the STAAR Test gained its spot of prominence:

Well, I think it all started with subvertin’ authorithy, wot. Y’know, telling the good ol’ bloomin’ establishment to put a sock in it. They give you four blazin’ hours to take the test, wot can ye do? So, us STAAR speeedrunners, we do the same tests, just faster. ‘S a way of life.

However, despite this sport’s newfound popularity, it has its naysayers. [REDACTED], for one, says that the STAAR test “is supposed to take the full length.” [REDACTED] and other founders of the newly created Take the Full Time initiative (TFT) state that just because you can turn the test in early, it isn’t wise. (A/N: This is a load of hooey.) The TFT is currently attempting to appeal the decision and void the STAAR speedrun, as it promotes “disrespect for the system” and “just ain’t nice to the rest of us.”

But at least for now, the decision stands, marking a new chapter in the story of speedrunning the STAAR Test. Currently, the record, set by another certain Wopps Minor, stands at 27:00.00. That’s all for now, stay tuned for a guide on the most common speedrunning techniques to get a leg up over the rest, brought to you solely by Hecrenews!