The Earth is having a revolution. Not akin to the revolution some poor old farmers had with one of the strongest and largest empires in the world (looking at you 1776), but instead a spinny boi. Scientists around the globe have confirmed the Earth spins around the Sun, which is at the center of the solar system. This spin around the Sun is called a revolution. There are many conspiracies about the position of the Earth and the shape of the Earth. Some believe the Earth to be flat and some belive the universe to rotate around the Earth. However, religion and beliefs do not matter because Adalbert Bulstrode has confirmed the Earth to be a spherical shape and does indeed revolve around the sun. While we would love to share his calculations we do not want an instance of this happening.

Anywho, what is peculiar about giant rocks doing ballerina-esque movements is the effects the cause incurs. Specifically, Homo Sapiens begin to start mad sweating. It doesn’t stop. Air Conditioners, fans, ice-cold drinks, drinks with ice in them, popsicles, lighter clothing, all in vain. The hydro hydroxide begins leaking out of their bodies and they risk dehydration, oh the poor creatures! “Tis darn heatery be baddening for me health!” says local Pere Nazar. “I was just up the attic going through some old items and the water began trickling down me neck. I tried to wipe it off but it didn’t stop. Soon my arms and legs were also attacked. The water I drank to keep me cool was being sucked out! It’s like I’m being noodle soup and the magical powers are drinking all the soup and leaving a dry-wrinkled noodle behind. I ain’t want to be no noodle, I want to be noodle soup!” Nazar then lost all common sense and began a long ramble about noodle soup, which brands are good, how to make it, and which chefs are the most proficient.

The problems don’t end with Nazar, in fact they only begin with him. We asked the self-proclaimed green thumb, Ellena Donnelly, to give us some insight on how she is affected by this revolution. “I can’t bear it! I do love bears but the heat is unbearable!” It was then Wopps Minor barged into the interview and acted as an international police power- er, what’s that, oh sorry, mixed up my paper on big T. Roosevelt into here, um, ah! Here we go- police power. “Stop right there, I know you are about to make a bear pun. Puns are illegal in these parts of town, haven’t you heard the latest legislation?” “Wait,” I told Wopps, “Wouldn’t that make a good article? You know we need more, this sounds like a good opportunity!” “I see,” said Wopps before he zoomed off into the horizon. “Anyways, continuing with the interview, can you get right into the good stuff?” “Sure,” said Donelley, “I’m sure most people are experience the ‘mad sweat’ you were talking about but as a green thumb, we have it much worse. The plants we are growing are in danger. You may know some plants are well adapted to the extreme heat like cacti, but these invasive species we are growing in our gardens from who-knows-where will barely be able to survive, if they survive at all. Plants and us are not too different you see, they need water, food, and air. They use Nitrogren for food and CO2 for air but basically the same stuff as us! All of the plants we raised, our babies, are going to struggle surviving without water. It’s hard work but I can ration the water so my plants can keep on going.” It sure seems tuff for green thumbs to do their stuff.

As with all problems in our world, Bulstrode is there to solve everything. “You see, in some places of the world there are four seasons. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall, All you gotta do is calllllllll, and I’ll be the- [DEMONITIZED]. Er, sorry about that my 8th grade science teacher taught us that song to remember the seasons. So the season we are in is actually called Summer. The days are elongated and the temperatures rise, you remember how I was talking about how trees sway in the wind right? Well because of the tilt of the Earth, during this point in the revolution, our hemisphere exposes more surface area to the sun, it is practically telling the sun, ‘yo big man, cook me up real good.’ To combat the heat our bodies sweat. The water flowing down our bodies may seem gross to some people, but it is a way for us to cool down. It is actually an evolutionary advantage we earned because we were able to run and keep running instead of having to stop and recharge like other animals. There is nothing really you can do to stop the sweating, but a solution is to open windows. If you open your windows, you can let air naturally come in. Make sure you have a mesh net to keep out the bugs. This is the most natural way and cuts down on electricity. If push comes to shove, a fan is much better than an AC in terms of energy and resource, but if you must, make sure you close the windows. “Wow Bulstrode, you sound like an even better environmentalist than Ellena Donnelly!” “Aw, don’t flatter me like that.”

Bulstrode has once again come to save the day. Make sure you follow his tips and tricks to stay hip and not sick!