In recent news, two very dear friends of local dyude John Orblong have expressed their complete and utter bafflement at Orblong’s will to live. According to Robald and Jonas Shickner, John’s dogged determination to stay conscious, keep breathing, maintain homeostasis, etc. is “most frustrating”. The brothers Shickner gave an excluside interview to Hecrenews interviewer Biggin Mammo in order to vent these frustrations:

Robald and Jonas Shickner enter, wearing black clothing, ski masks, and gloves

Mammo: “Well, hello. Are you two gentlemen here for the interview we had scheduled or to rob me senseless? I honestly can’t tell.”

Robald: “Um, yes.”

Biggin Mammo visibly relaxes, then looks confused, then tenses up again

Mammo: “So, let’s introduce you. I have here with me the two brothers Shickner, who are very dear friends with John Orblong, the subject of this story.”

Jonas: “I know that.”

Mammo: “I was talking to the readers, Shickner #1. Assuming there are any, of course.”

Robald: “Why is he Shickner #1?”

Mammo: “Anyways, let’s get to the nutty grutty of this conversation. My loyal army of informants tell me you’re frustrated. Why?”

Jonas: “We heard the Hecrenews had a dearth of dirt. So we informed you of this to vent some of our frustrations. To publicize this tragedy a little bit.

Mammo: “And what tragedy would that be?

Robald: “Well, John Orblong, that notoious do-gooder that he is, just has an extremely above average will to live. And my brother and I find that very frustrating.”

Jonas: “As Shickner #1, I can affirm that we find this very frustrating.”

Robald: “Why is he Shickner #1?”

Mammo: “I see. Do you have any evidence of Orblong’s very very high willingness to not kick the good ol’ bucket?”

Jonas Shickner produces a manilla file folder from somewhere within the depths of his criminal getup, and pulls some pictures out

Jonas: “So this is John Orblong. A writer, lives next door to the bank, has a basement with a not-so-thick wall. Not the house-selling type though.”

Robald: “A bit lacking in the hair department.”

Jonas: “So is your name.”

Mammo: “Wow, that’s a lot of very personal information. Are yinz good friends with Mr. Orblong?”

Robald: “Er, we know him very well.”

Jonas: “What my poor, misguided brother means to say is that we hve a very good relationship with Mr. Orblong. However, John sometimes forgets things real easy. So he won’t remember us too well. But don’t ever ask him about his memory loss.”

Mammo: “Why?”

Jonas: “Because he forgot he has it.”

Mammo: “I see. Thank you for clarifying, Shickner #1.”

Robald: “Why is he Shickner #1?”

Mammo: “I hear that John Orblong has survived some very life-threatening events recently. Could you elaborate on this?”

Jonas: “Well, last tuesday, John was mugged by two brothers, one considerably more attractive than the other. W– Sorry. They wanted the deed to Orblong’s property, but for some reason Orblong wasn’t carrying the deed on his person.”

Robald: “Last Wednesday, Orblong ran into two figures at the County Legal Office trying to slide their way into John Orblong’s last will and testament as his sole heirs. Their names were–”

Jonas: “Never mind what their names were.”

Mammo: “As you will it, Shickner #1”

Robald: “Why is he Shickner #1?”

Jonas: “The crux of the story is that after Orblong saw those two figures, he somehow ended up tied to a set of railway tracks.”

Mammo: “That’s quite a big jump, from the county office to a set of railway tracks.”

Robald: “Sure is.”

At that precise moment, hecrenews intern Eif al-Tawa walks into the room, holding a tray of coffees.

Al-Tawa: “It’s okay, you don’t have to hide it. I’ve wanted to off somebody for a long time too, but only got him in a hospital, suing the hecc out of the Hecrenews. Wish you the best of luck trying to get that sweet, sweet bank money, he he he.”

Mammo: “Coffee boy, your job is to give me the coffee. Let me handle the interviewing; I’m an experienced interviewer and you lack the required girth to even conduct one.”

Al-Tawa: “Fine.”

Eif al-Tawa hands all three cups of coffee to Biggin Mammo, then exits

Biggin Mammo takes a sip of the coffee and promptly spits it out, then expertly throws the remaining two coffee cups into a trash can in the corner of the room

Mammo: “Gosh darn intern keeps putting rosemary or something in my coffee to spite me, I’m going to have a talk with him after school this is over. Anyways, what became of Orblong on the rails, Shickner #1?”

Robald: “For the last time, Why is he Shickner #1?”

Mammo: “Foolboy, I ask the questions around here. Sit down or I’ll have a talk with you after school this is over as well.”

Robald Shickner sits down

Jonas: “So, apparently the trains weren’t even running that day! Can you believe it?”

Mammo: “Wow, what a lucky break!”

Robald: “No, you don’t get it. The two people that planned the whole tying-Orblong-to-the-railway-tracks idea put a lot of thought and effort into their idea. It’s incredibly frustrating when something last minute like an unfinagled boiler comes up and wrecks a plan like that.”

Mammo: “I… see.”

Robald: “So, on to Orblong’s next even more agonizing escape from certain doom.”

Jonas: “On Friday, Orblong was shopping for some kitchen appliances. I think he finally got the idea to move out, what with all his near misses and everything.”

Robld: “Plus the sign two people spray painted to his window saying ‘Move out plz’”

Jonas: “Yes, that too. So, Orblong was strolling down Clanton Avenue when he saw a store advertising a walk-in microwave!”

Robald: “To be honest, it wasn’t much of a store. More like a little haphazard shack that looked like it could have been built by two brothers only hours after they heard of a certain individual’s interest in–”

Jonas: “Can it.”

Mammo: Uh-huh. Tell me more, tell me more. This is one good story right here!”

Jonas: “As Shickner #1–”

Robald Shickner makes a mean face, then abruptly stops when Jonas Shickner makes a much meaner face

Jonas: “As I was saying, as Shickner #1, I’ll continue the story you’re enjoying so much. John Orblong was very interested by the walk-in microwave, so he predictably walked inside it. He didn’t at all notice two skulking shadows in the background. Said two skulking shadows closed the door as soon as Orblong walked in, and hit the Reheat button. But, to their horrified surprise, somebody forgot to plug the microwave in!”

Jonas Shickner casts an even meaner look than before at Robald Shickner, who promptly withers away inside

Robald: “So Orblong just walked out, free to antagonize a couple would-be murderers another day. That was when the two skulking shadows realized they needed professional help.”

Jonas: “That brings us to yesterday. During a jog in a nearby park, John Orblong was jumped by a pack of street cats, and was this close to being mauled so severaly that hewould have no choice but to vacate his hoouse and go see an ICU.”

Robald: “But– and there always seems to be a but in the story of these two shadowy figures– the hired cats mysteriously didn’t do any damage. What a waste of $42.50.

Jonas: “Turns out that while John Orblong doesn’t carry the deed to his property on his person when going out, he does carry several cans of catnip. Who would have thought? The cats were made completely harmless, and Orblong walked away unmutilated. Deeply confused and perhaps a bit scared, but unmutilated.”

Robald: “This was the last straw. Don’t you see how incredibly frustrating it is? Hours and hours upon hours of planning, stakeouts, and walk-in microwave construction by that most sinister duo, all for nothing! John Orblong has no respect for good ol’ plotting!”

Mammo: “Yes, the miraculous escape of a local dyude from many dangers is a very bad and frustrating occurrence.”

Jonas: “Exactly.”

Robald: “The whole situation ended up catastrophically. People’s hard earned money is still safe in the bank, John Orblong’s basement has no gaping hole in it, and Orblong himself is happily gallivanting across the suburban landscape of this oh-so-horrible city.”

Jonas: “At least there’s lasting psychological damage.”

Robald: “Of couse, how could I have ever forgotten that?”

Jonas: “Because you’re not Shickner #1.”

Mammo: “Wow, wow, very enlightening. Just one question. How exactly do you two know all this? It’s just that the Boss has been getting somewhat frantic about citing our sources recently.”

Jonas: “Umm”

Robald: “Umm”

Al-Tawa: “Umm”

Mammo: “Hey, where’s that intern’s voice coming from!?”

Al-Tawa: “I dunno.”

Mammo: “Wait a minute, the only way you could know so much about those two murderous figures is if you were those two murderous figures. Oh, oh no.. Nooooo!”

And with that, the interview ended. In addition to our mounting mountain of legal battles, the Hecrenews now faces the costs to repair a broken window in the interview room and a broken mind in the body of loyal Biggin Mammo, who was so shaken by the relevation of the criminals’ identities that he fell into a comma. Must’ve been a pretty dangerous comma, too. Like that one. That one seems pretty dangerous to me, but who am I to judge? Mandatory mininmum word count passed, story told, article title all SEO’d up, I’d say this article’s done and dusted. Wopps Minor, signing off.