What drives you? The prospect of becoming a better person? Finally being inducted into the HBA? Being able to afford ARMD’s new album? For one man, every waking moment is filled with one thought: revenge. Area dyude Bert Bulstrode (no relation to notable hecrenews correspondent Adalbert Bulstrode, despite making an appearance in a prior hecrenews article himself) has taken it upon himself to rid the desert of that which it holds most dear: sand. Armed with only multiple boatloads of stone shovels, Bert Bulstrode will stop at nothing to make the cruel desert pay.

But pay for what, exactly? Hecrenews’s own BananaTheHuman was sent to that very desert to find out more Bulstrode and his motives. (Banana wasn’t able to cover the story himself; he needed to attend to some pear-related business. ‘Nuff said.) In the blinding sun of an unnamed desert, Bulstrode sets about his daily tasks. He was so kind as to provide Banana with an itinerary, shown below:
Bulstrode claims varying wake-up times stimulate him to push himself and dig up more desert. Of course, since he’s digging before he wakes up, while he wakes up, and after he wakes up anyways, we at the Hecrenews think this is a load of hooey.

For the past week or so, Bert Bulstrode has been shoveling sand for 23 hours and 59 minutes each day (Bulstrode uses the remaining one minute to ferry the sand out of the gigantic hole he’s made and into an even more gigantic quite-literal mountain of sand, which other sometimes carry it away for whatever their needs require. Truly channeling the spirit of Fred Dome, who is now the lead of Hecrenews Article Quality Control (referred to as HAC, because everybody knows there’s no quality in these things), among half a million other titles. How he is able to keep this quite impressive work schedule up remains a mystery.

When asked about his motive, Bert launched into a truly woeful tale (while still maintaining his digging efforts). Bert had always been something of a health freak, but a week and a half ago, be decided to splurge on a $66.95 cheesecake, the epitome of decadence. With a diameter of 13.5 inches, it truly was a beast of a cheesecake. Lemon-flavoured goodness, right there. Yum. Oh shoot, back to the article at hand. However, due to the distancing protocols put in place, Bulstrode was forced to celebrate his birthday by himself, and that included eating the monster cheesecake by himself. “It don’t make good sense to throw it away”, Bert said when questioned. So, with all the passion and dogged perseverance he put into getting a spankin’ body, Bert sat down to eat. And eat he did. For 2 days, Bert did nothing but eat.

“I shoveled nothing but cheesecake in m’mouth, and did nothing but shsovel cheesecake in m’mouth. And I sure did pay for it. But now instead of shoveling cheesecake, I’m shoveling sand. That’s right, shoveling sand to take revenge.”

After Bert’s attempt to get his money’s worth from the giant cheesecake, the quantity of cheesecake had severely diminished. The opposite could be said about Bulstrode’s BMI. Oh, what a calamity! Rendered almost immobile by the vast quantities of cheesecake within him, Bulstrode sulked for at least a day or two. Then he knew. Bulstrode would take revenge on the cheesecake, and all other foods like it! In his own words, he would “Go all Alt + F4 on those suckas”.

It seems prudent at this point to note Bulstrode’s frankly quite horrible typing skills. Bert sadly never took iExplore, and there was no way he could learn to type effectiveely without taking this very much crucial class. Very sad, rops.

Bulstrode quickly hopped onto the nearest search engine (not Bing, for obvious reasons) and searched the following:

This led him to an unknown desert, where Bert got to work. He called up his local shovel dealer, and within an hour, was shoveling away. Shoveling, not just for himself, but for all formerly fit people forced to not let fattening foods go to waste and therefore reduced to a very unpleasant state.

This brings us back to the present day. Bulstrode has dug up nearly 1/9th of the desert, and is currently unsure about what to do with the massive quantities of sand he’s acucmulated. “I dunno, go desertify up some hapless rainforst for all I care”, says Bert. Aside from the sand, Bert has uncovered various sunken treasures. They reveal the vast history of this desert, ranging from rudimentary tools to a highly suspicious underground bunker. The most curious find, however, is nothing but a single, deadly-seeming fang. This has been sent to the Hecrenews Research and Analysis team for further information. Maybe we’ll soon be enlightened with the meaning of this discovery.

But for now, Bulstrode digs. And digs. And digs some more. Wopps out.