A local soccer team has recently announced their view of the complete and utter lack of humanity in humans after holding a community name-suggestion campaign. Having no idea what to call themselves, the group decided to hold an online name-selection competition in which the team would use the best community-suggested name. Whimpering, curled-into-a-fetal-position team captain Joke Hoes (pronounced Yok-Hoz) spoke with our reporters about the results:

“Oh, it was horrible, man. Oh, no. I can see the names when I close my eyes! Every single one of them, so bad, in every sorta way. We’re soccer players, not gamers! Oohh, no. Ohno ohno ohno…”

Some of the more acceptable name suggestions were the “Nashville No-scopers” and the “Florida #$!$!@#$%#@-ers”, suggested by a very addled Bert Bullstrode. The team also had multiple requests that they make their name the “Rheumatic Redstoners”, or at the very least, the “Mississippi Minion-lovers”. Due to the plethora of name requests, the team spent many sleepless nights looking for the one sane, unironic suggestion (which of course didn’t exist). Their rapidly degrading mental sanities weren’t at all aided by the disappearance of food items or the sporadic losses of consciousness. Through the many long nights of searching for a name, Joke Hoes constantly wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise ideals of humanity.

After much sorrowful deliberation, the team decided on the name that was objectively the least horrible. From now on, they will be the Houston, Texas HecreTaries, despite not knowing what a “hecretaries” is and living many hundreds of miles from Houston. Who knows? Maybe with their newfound identity, the HecreTaries will rise to success? But for now, they sit in sadness and silence, wondering what we have come to.