Our loyal readers are aware of a major crisis science has been unable to solve so far. billions are losing consciousness each night and no one knows why. However, one organization has been able to mitigate these effects and help people stay conscious longer. These organizations, heroes of our time, are known as schools.

Schools are an instititution all students are requried to attend to by law. Although some kids do homeschooled, the vast majority of students will go to a public school, and some fancy kids even go to private schools. Schools are lead by a principal, assistant principal(s), conselors, teachers, and a lot more staff on hand to serve their students. Schools are part of a district, which may not be the same as one’s city district. All districts have a superintendent, who is basically the biggest of the boss. There are also boards of educations and boards of trustees and a lot more but it’s cooler to leave those in the shadows because it makes them more mysterious and more cooler that way (you can thank me later).

We decided to head up to Leafblower Elementary and ask their principal, Mr. Karp Cann, what school is all about. “School is all about learning. All of us are students for life, we are constant learners wether you believe or not. At Leafblower Elementary we not only teach our student academics, but strive to provide social support for our students and help then when we can. Our students are our number one priority and we truly love and care about them.” We then asked some of the students about their opinions. The students we interviewed were not comfortable with sharing their names, but what they say is their honest opinion. “Don’t listen to that principal, he’s an old quack,” said one student, “He removed our swingsets and took away everything that was fun from us. He started confiscating our phones, beyblades, and trading cards! I would understand if he took away people’s Pokemon cards but he even went after Yu-Gi-Oh! and Magic The Gathering players. This is not just horrible, this man is committing crimes! Mr. Carl [Mugabe] is the only reason why I can stand attending this school. He’s made my life so much better by providing free ice cream during recess. Mr. Carl is a good person, I think he should be the principal of our school.” This student may seem like an outlier, but it turns out many students share this sentiment. They are unhappy with the current state of their school and want reform. The understand words like reform and confiscate, this is not normal for Elementary school students. While parents are impressed they are looking at their students grades, not their emotional health. “School should be about fun,” said one student, “Learning can come second. If we can’t have fun at school, then there’s no point. I understand there’s a limit to fun, but there’s also a limit on the restrictions of fun. These are unreasonable demands, this is tyranny!” These students formed a coalition and their slogan is “Unity or Tyranny!”

Anywho, to get into the meat (EDIT by HAC: yum) of the topic, the method schools use to reduce the loss of consciousness. It is hideous but the results are true. Schools bombard their students with loads upon loads of homework. “I have no idea how I still have a C” said the top student at a local middle school. She gets 100 on all assignments, but only from those she turns in.” “We are so focused on our grades it’s impossible to lose consciousness. I do feel bad for the students at schools like Leafblower Elementary, but at least schools are solving a huge world problem. I don’t forsee myself losing any consciousness until winter break.”

And there you have it, the top student pretty much summed it up. Schools give homework and students are so focused on the grade instead of the learning they cannot lose consciouseness. This has been Mister Mjir, popping in and now popping out.