As you may have heard, streaming giant Nit Flex’s recent decision to remove its ‘Cancel Subscription’ button has resulted in almost immediate extreme financial success. Nit Flex’s CEO, Nithin Felix, is “absolutely rolling in it” these days, as BananaTheHuman tells me teens are saying nowadays. Whatever Felix is rolling in, I sure do hope it’s sanitary!

But we’re not here to debate the purported health benefits of rolling in this ambiguous “it”. We’re here to talk about something really newsworthy. In a sudden turn of events, all-controlling behemoth Nit Flex has been completely, utterly rekt by a ragtag team of hackers. Kinda reminds you of that movie that’s more popular than Star Wars, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s not pad the article length any more (I think these two paragraphs are good enough for HAC to “okay” this one) and delve right into it.

It all began with Nit Flex’s decision to remove their subscribers’ option to cancel the subscription. As we’ve already established, this, combined with a massive rate increase, made it so that Nit Flex was “rolling in” that ambiguous hopefully-hygienic substance. In that article, Nit Flex’s Human Outreach and Surveying Them Association (minus Geriatric Elders) (HOSTAGE) was able to provide us with some very satisfactory customer reviews.

However, there was a problem. Hecrenews’s Science and Research department (SAR) ran an analysis on the customers’ comments, and came to a most surprising conclusion: many, if not all of the reviews seemed to be given unwillingly! Sheeple Dunnel, top smarty-pants at SAR, cited Bourd Gourd saying, “Stop the pain” as indicative of something mad sus, and also pointed out Kaker Neran’s saying “You can’t torture me” as a clue that the customers may have been coerced into giving a falsely positive review.

Since the hecrenews is undoubtedly devoted to providing veritable, objective news at a great rate of many articles per day, this was no less than an outrage. How dare Nithin Felix attempt to bamboozle us so! So, just like any other objective news site dedicated to purely informing, we decided to sponsor an insurrection.

You may remember from a prior article that “a team of hacky-types is trying to somehow resuscitate this lost ‘Cancel Subscription’ button in a last-ditch attempt to keep their bank accounts from dipping sharply in the negatives.” You may also have heard that I am so lazy that I’d quote myself rather than typing out less than thirty words. We reached out to the leader of the movement, a SnaxelyLeftButtock_012. Known professionally as Lefty, this h4x0r and a band of others have devoted hundreds of hours to trying to recreate the cancel subscription button, all while their bank balances fall faster than a kilogram of feathers. The hecrenews was fortunate enough to go zooming with these Gettysbird-based hackers whose location cannot be disclosed.

”It’s really hard, you know. Trying to find out where Nit Flex hid their subscription button. They could have put it in the cloud, but we’re a bunch of ragtag hackers, we don’t have that kind of aviation technology. They could have put it in a disc, but we’re a bunch of ragtag hackers, we don’t know anything about 70’s dance fashions. They might have even put it in a drive, but we’re a bunch of ragtag hackers, most of us are legit probably under 16.” - SnaxelyLeftButtock_012

The self-described “bunch of ragtag hackers” was super close to getting past Nit Flex’s great firewall (they discovered that throwing water at their computers was not the way to go) when disaster struck. HOSTAGE found them, rops. Every last member of the rebellion, taken away to wherever Nit Flex houses its kidnapped peopletestimonial-givers. I bet they’ll all be torturedquestioned rather heavily.

However, HOSTAGE, for all their cold-blooded efficiency, forgot something. Lefty, during the HOSTAGE raid, was able to smuggle a flip-phone with him, keeping it hidden next to that oh-so-snaxely body part of his. And while sandwiched between HOSTAGE operatives in a black SUV, in a final feat of almost inhuman dexterity, SnaxelyLeftButtock_012 was able to break through the firewall and retrieve the ‘Cancel Subscription’ button. But for all of Left’s gluteal prowess, he couldn’t type out the address of his offshore associate, BoneyMeerkat.

Guess who the message containing the all-important location of the ‘Cancel Subscription’ button got sent to? I’ll give you a hint: He gets a kick out of bashing in baboons’ heads.

Oh, those hackers are sooo screwed now.

Bruh, Wopps stole the part two of this article. Good thing I can count on his inherent laziness to know that he won’t publish anything else before me anytime this century. Nit Flex’s dungeonsCustomer Service Center areis probably filled to the brim. It’s got Hooshar Manus, Gordon Oohbeedoo, SnaxelyLeftButtock_012, and who knows how many else inside it. I’m not sure what others are saying about this violation of human rightslarge-scale testimonial-collection of Nit Flex, but I sure know what my grandaddy would have said: “rat-a-tat-t