Most people assume that their local water sources are always constant and unchanging. It takes someone who really cares about the environment to go out there and make sure that nearby rivers and streams are pollution-free and performing at normal levels. And that someone is Wah Turtistin. For years now, Turtistin has been testing water sources around his town, namely the Goorlicker stream. On the first Tuesday of every month, Turtistin makes his pilgrimage down to the banks of the mighty Goorlicker along with his briefcase of chemicals and concoctions, in order to measure factors such as temperature, pH, floating fast food cups, and a couple other very-useful metrics.

Wah Turtistin got his start in the wa tertesting business a long time ago, through a really unfortunate baggage claim mix-up. Him and a sketchy stranger in a trench coat somehow had the same suitcase, and as a result of him picking up the stranger’s case in baggage claim, Turtistin got access to various bottles and powders that were found in the suitcase. He was instantly hooked (to the idea of scientific experimentation, not to the powders themselves). It did cost him an entire suitcase worth of underpants, but Turtistin tells us it was well worth it.

Using his newfound testing kit (despite not knowing what the testing kit was for, or how to use it), Turtistin dove headfirst (not literally) into testing the quality of nearby water sources. His autodidactic approach to wa tertesting seemed to go well. On his first time, Turtistin recalls kneeling down at the banks of the Good ol’ Goorlicker and basically just throwing assorted pinches of his handy-dandy not-at-all-druggy batch of powders and tinctures.

“Experimentation is the key to something. But where is the lock?” - Wah Turtistin, c. 2021

Indeed, Turtistin seemed to have gotten the inspiration to become a citizen scientist at the perfect time. A couple weeks after his first water testing, local scientists at the National Emporium for Wa Tertesting began reporting significant levels of illicit substances in the Goorlicker stream, namely justice and jocose. They are still on the hunt for the source of these dumps, which for some reason spike on the first Tuesday of every month. Good luck to them.

Anyways, soon Turtistin had had enough of just measuring how much powder he could dump in the stream without being busted by the fuzz. It was time to move on to some actual data. By commandeering a rusty thermometer originally meant for one’s no no square, Turtistin had unlocked a brand new metric of water quality: temperature. Below is an image of Wah Turtistin’s thermometer, to spur the imagination and all that.

After profusely apologizing to the no no square he pulled the thermometer out from, Turtstin got down to work. He made his now habitual trek to the Goorlicker, and neared the bank, dipping his toes in to keep them cool. After plunging the thermometer in, he was shocked. The temperature values were skyrocketing, almost up to 90 degrees! Given that he knew water boils at 100, Turtistin was correctly and noticeably alarmed. He quickly withdrew his toes so that they wouldn’t be boiled off and ran like mad to the nearest individual he could spot to tell them the news (without taking off their pants, that would just be weird). That nearest individual happened to be our very own somewhat-beloved SAR head (metaphorically speaking).

But what to make of these all-together alarming results? Sheeple Dunnell (or is it Dunnel?) says that there isn’t anything to worry about. Dunnell/Dunnel is very passionate about the environment and water quality, and is even affiliated with Snaxachusetts Stream Team. Using rather more colorful language (redacted for the reader’s sanity), Dunnell described Wah Turtstin’s operations as “incredibly [unscientific]”, and the “[slightly not upstanding individual] must be [a little confused], and shouldn’t have even [no non-graphic translation available].” Quite emotional, for the nerdy, sciencey type that Dunnell/Dunnel usually is. Whatever his last name may be, he brings an interesting counterpoint to the new findings. You know what they say, haters gonna hate.

Wah Turtistin’s efforts have spurred him onto collecting even more data types, including pH and a count of the fast food cups floating in the stream. But the question raised by his findings remains to be conclusively answered. Will we ever truly find out if our water sources are boiling, or if they’ve just been the normal temperature all along? Guess we’ll never know. If my good auld grandfather had anything to say about this situation, it would be, and I quote: “rat-a-tat-tat-tat”.