Yes, it has really come to this. We at the hecrenews have had so little dirt since this article that we’ve resorted to posting the content of others. Huh. Come to think about it, I saw that article for the first time yesterday, and yet it was created and posted almost a month ago. Sus is all I can say.

Anyways, here’s the very alarming guide. At this time, we advise all readers of the Hecrenews that do not wish to be A) utterly disgusted, B) terribly frightened, C) completely insanitized (to be made insane), or D) all of the above to kindly avert their eyes. Did you do that? Good. Oh wait, how are you reading this with your eyes closed? That’s kinda sus. But not as sus as this piece of work:

In case you for some reason haven’t had enough of this deeply unsettling article, here’s the text version. Once again, avert your eyes and avert them now.

“So, it has come to my attention that this quaint little blog of mine has been receiving mad attention lately. Ever since I exposed that FRAUD Hooshar Manus, viewers have been rolling in. And with those viewers, I’ve consistently gotten one question above all else: “How can I aspire with my ideas and become as fearsome a monkey-beater as you?” First of all, I am the ONLY Monkey-beater. Call yourself what you want, but not Monkey-beater. I’ll beat you if you try and kid me. Secondly, I’d be happy to teach all of you street-rats my techniques, honed over the years.

Above is a depiction of one of the creatures that you will be an expert in beating, by the time you finish reading this post

First, you must practice. When you really get good at this thing, the population of monkeys in your area will diminish like mad. So hone your skills with other, less satisfying creatures. I personally recommend endangered species, there’s something about them that just hits the spot, you know?

After you’ve secured all the necessary materials, you get to the fun part. Beating. Beating the creature senselessly is the fun part. Fun. Fun! Depending on your comfort level, you can try whacks, thwacks, or thumps to get started. If you’re feeling tons of emotional release, you’re doing it right. Once that introductory bit has passed, you can move on to the real stuff. Try out some slaps, some smacks, and some snaccs (Monkey-beating sure does burn calories like mad). If the monkey is screaming in pain annd you’re screaming in evil, demented pleasure, you’re doing something right.

After you’re done monkey-beating, or gorrila-grinding, or whatever, make sure you have a nice, long cooldown. Professional monkey-beaters such as myself (so professional, it’s in the name) can often get very emotional during monkey beating. All that pent up frustrations just flow outta you, y’know? Personally, I would recommend some gentle (not really) beating, more to cool you off than to inflict further pain (although it will still inflict pain, that’s kind of a given when you’re monkey-beating. )

The Clinical Benefits of Monkey-beating - Monkey-beating is a great stress-reliever, you should try it out! Whether you’re massacring Macaques or terrorizing Tamarins, or even just plain hurting Howler Monkeys, it’s important to just relax and have tons of fun! Additionally, some therapists have started to look at monkey-beating as a means of rehabilitation after trauma. Something or other about that sweet, sweet cathartic release. Well, I’ve about learned you all all I know about the delicate and precise art of monkey-beating. So now go ahead, pwn those primates, antagonize those apes, do whatever suits your fancy pretty much. Yee-haw!”

(Monkey-beater. How to Properly and Efficiently Engage in Monkey-beating: An Expert’s Opinion, Blogger, 30 Sept. 2020.)

After that descent into depravity, I’m almost glad to be done with this article. You may have heard how Hector called me out for being a lazy wuss lately. Well, I’m not. It isn’t laziness that restricts me from posting as much as the days of Old, it’s those procrastination lessons Shroops the Mighty gave me. In hindsight, that was probably a big mistake. But that brings us to the matter at hand. My honor’s been slighted, so in proper fashion I must dish out one of my own in return. Ooh, here’s one!

Hector is a VEGETARIAN!

Wopps out.