The Hecrenews has a bit of a problem. No doubt you, our extremely loyal reader, already know what that is, so I’ll skip the background of this issue completely.

Just kidding.

Over the several months that we’ve been active, the Hecrenews has gotten into some very scary legal issues. I was supposed to handle a rubber poisoning lawsuit some time ago, but rip. Short term memory loss, I guess. Blat Beck is also suing the hecc out of the hecrenews over a teeny-tiny [very emotionally scarring ordeal that the Hecrenews feels sympathy for], and this, as you probably can tell, isn’t a good thing. We’re actively trying to be nice to Biggin Mammo so that he won’t sue us when he wakes up from the comma. And very recently, the HBA has put pressure on us to lobby to designate the desert that Bert Bulstrode is currently 1/3rd done with as an important historical site. Whew, that was a lot of links. I guess we really are in a lot of trouble.

So, the staff of the Hecrenews sat down and debated the possible solutions. That was the plan, but in reality chief smarty-dyude Sheeple Dunnell went to DC, Eif al-Tawa was off somewhere bullying schoolchildren and acting evil in general, Biggin Mammo and Blat Beck were both in the hospital (by no fault of the Hecrenews), BananaTheHuman had yet more pear-related business, and everybody else had some sort of thing or the other to keep them busy. That left me.

I was all alone to fend off this mountain of legal cases, with my only qualifications being that I went to 1 debate tournament and read a couple John Grisham novels. Luckily, being very creative, I had no problem in coming up with a flawless legal strategy that can be summarized in just a couple of words: Procrastinate until the prosecution gets too bored to continue. Genius, right? Unfortunately, us at the hecrenews have lost our sense of procrastination, thanks to the boss’s thrice-daily article regimen. We needed some professional help.

Good thing that Mister Mjir has a vast network of associates. He talked to one of his specialists, Shroops the Mighty and managed to get me a 1 on 1 training session with the man. Now, you may not know much about this legendary character, so the previous sentence may not have had a huge impact. But it was huge. In addition to being a contender in a much-anticipated boxing match, creating an entire continent, and participating in hit music group “The Little Black Men at the Palace”, Shroops the Mighty (colloquially referred to simply as Shroops) is a master procrastinator. I was ecstatic. Maybe our legal strategy would actually work!
Official social media of Shroops the mighty. Quite impressive, if I do say so myself

Shroops arrived approximately 6.5 hours late to the training session, but it just added to the suspense. I learned all the main procrastination techniques, including but not limited to excuses, distractions, daydreaming, and even the advanced technique of hibernation. I was now an official master of procrastination. Thus armed, I would be capable of single-handedly holding back the tsunami of litigation.

Actually, winter’s looking pretty close. I’ll finish this article in a couple months, I swear. Stay tuned for part 2. Wopps (yawns) out.