Remember Bert Bulstrode? Aside from suggesting some quite frankly frightening team names, Bulstrode has recently become famous for his quest to dig up an unknown desert. During his excavation efforts, Bulstrode uncovered several insteresting curiosities, including rudimentary stone tools, a live ostrich, an intricately detailed model of the Statue of Hecretary, but with a moustache on it, and most curiously: a single fang. These curiosities were sent to the Hecrenews Science and Research Team. Lead nerdy-man Sheeple Dunnell promptly pronounced the assortment of items as “mad sus” and handed the situation to the infinitely more qualified HBA Artifact Analysis Commitee (AAC).

Within a matter of hours, the precise origin of each object, prepared by the AAC, was ready. (Even though the material summary was prepared so quickly, this article came out weeks later. What can I say? Procrastination sure is powerful..) The report stated that every object was exactly as it seemed and nothing unusual, except for the fang. From a calcium sample, the very productive scientists at the AAC reached an astonishing conclusion: the fang belonged to none but The Evil Snaxe himself. That’s right, the very snaxe that had a Legendary Battle with Hecrusander the Great, where both ceased to exist, creating the major and minor snaxii and the leg-snapping syndrome found in hecretary birds. This battle was thought to have been fought in an unknown desert, but it turns out that the desert is known, after all.

According to a spokesperson for the HBA Artifact Analysis Committee, this discovery “changed the very nature of our understanding of the Legendary Battle”. In layman’s terms, this fancy quote means that the discovery changed the very nature of our understanding of the Legendary Battle. According to the quickly revised version of the story, when The Evil Snaxe bit the leg joint of Hecrusander the Great in his dying attempt to harm the great bird, its fang must have dislodged. (Snaxii, even today, are really quite negligent towards proper dental care) Some time later, when Hecrusander has disentegrated into brick-like pebbles and The Evil Snaxe had fled in the form of the major and minor snaxii, the group that carried Hecrusander’s pebbles away from the battleground most likely by some miracle never even noticed the enormous, gleaming fang in the sand. As the years passed, this desert miraculously remained where it was. (Which is probably more proof that climate change isn’t real)

Well, the findings of the study incited quite the storm. A giant wave of hecretary proponents immediately voiced their surprise at this change in lore and also their outrage at Bulstrode’s activity. As they saw it, Bulstrode was digging up the precious site of this battle, which ought to be preserved. And so they showed up to protest their feelings. With very persuasive signage, too. According to a protester that preferred to stay anonymous, Bulstrode was “straight up defiling” the desert. Still, it’s unclear if the protest is affecting Bulstrode, or if he’s even noticed it. Such his is single-minded motivation to exact revenge on “deserts”.

Still, the veritable army at the edge of the hole Bert Bulstrode has dug can’t do much. That’s why they are seeking a way to make the higher-ups in government designate this now very special desert as a historic landmark, which would make it illegal to defile. Hopefully they get somebody else to do their dirty work, and not a shady organization with far-reaching influence, such as the Hecrenews. We have quite enough on our legal plate, thank you. And another thing. Hopefully the snaxii or their followers don’t read the hecrenews. If this fang was to fall into their hands, it would be very dangerous indeed. It may finish the development of the iSnaxe, or even worse, allow the snaxii to combine into the dreadeed Evil Snaxe.

But for now, Bulstrode digs. And digs. And digs some more.

Well, it seems like old Wopps is the first to break from the daily article regimen. I sure do hope the boss doesn’t notice, or you may not hear from me ever again. Wopps out, for hopefully less than 24 hours.

EDIT by Hecrenews Article Quality Control - The Hecrenews Historical Analysis Team (HAT tells us to tell you to please note that the actual history of the battle between the Hecretary Bird and the Evil Snaxe are still not set in stone; it is a very challenging feat for groups of historians like HAT to handle because a long time back there was a project where our ancestors had to recite the story, while most extrapolated like they should’ve one guy fabricated the story causing many inconsistencies and we cannot figure out the true history, thus it remains a mystery.(In detail, some versions don’t have a name for the Hecretary Bird, and other versions the Hecretary Bird does not turn into pebbles, may need to update Hecrepedia about this…)