After recents events at the Goorlicker I just went home to go to sleep. When I woke up, I was alarmed. Not only did my alarm clock wake me up, but the date on all my clocks really knocked of my socks! It was February- still, but it was February 31st!!! How could this be?! It is every programmer’s worst nightmare to deal with dates that don’t exist, and for the safety of the site I prolonged posting this article in fear of crashing it. Can it even handle a February 31st? I mean it probably can but then there arises a problem of when to post the article on our social medias. Anywho, I had remembered something very important I needed to see. I went to my drawer and grabbed a ticket. This ticket was for a very special event. Shroops the Mighty vs King Louie, the world’s greatest boxing match slated to take place on February 31st. I drove to the arena and was greeted by surprise after surprise.

Before the match started there were two major events. First, a movie premiered. This was not just any movie, but a movie by the amazing unknown director the Hecrenews is still hunting down! No one knows their identity, but their movies are sure to break the box office every time. The name of the movie was ‘Teen Dost Tum Toast,’ and it was a masterpiece. Now I don’t know what Teen Dost Tum Toast means, but with the help of Google and Google translate I think it means three friends, you’re toast. (Can we get a hindi person to confirm this?) The audience made the movie even better. We were all cheering, jeering, and leering as the characters did what they did. Unfortunately for everyone not at the arena, the movie was nowhere to be found the next day. All trace of it was lost. Anyone who tried to pirate the movie was escorted out by guards who were just built different. I shudder when I think of what happened to those poor piraters. Poor pirates are almost extinct these days, and they were feared. Anywho, the movie was great. Out of 10 points, I can’t give it a score lower than a 10, so I gave it an 11.

After the amazing movie, my ears were blessed. You may remember ARMD, and mainly how they weren’t able to produce any songs. Well, they said they would make a song by February 31st, and they weren’t kidding. ARMD gave a live performance of their first song, and I don’t remember the name because the crowd was cheering like crazy. ARMD’s music is beautiful, I would dare say it’s even better than SOAD’s songs. I felt a new emotion during that song, and it can only be described as ‘ARMD music.’

Now, here was the biggest event. Everyone was restless for this one, we’ve bought tickets and waited years for a February 31st. It was the boxing match between Shroops the Mighty and King Louie, King of the Swingers and Jungle VIP. Everyone was seated, and the announcer began. “From the depths of the jungles in India, the Jungle VIP, the King of the Swingers, make some noise for King Louie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. The audience went crazy, the person in front of me did a backflip while still being seated in their seat, I don’t even know how that was possible. King Louie starts walking towards the ring in the most intimidatin fashion possible. His long arms propel him forwads and his expression was once of certain victory. Instead of a bucket of water to use in between rounds, Louie had a bucket of banana paste, can you believe this guy? Absolutely bonkers. The announcer started talking again, and the audience went dead silent. “Now introducing the most powerful VEG, no human, alive. It’s Shroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooppppps the Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightyyy!!!! Wait, hold your applause. I have just received some news that while training to prepare for this very match, Shroops has now become Shroops the Almighty!!!” The audience wents nuts. A conga line formed and people started break-dancing. Half of the spectators were running around the seats like children. It was like a party scene from the Great Gatsby. Shroops walked towards the ring. He removed his robe halfway through, revealing his new array of guns muscles. Daang, was Shroops the Almighty buff or what?! I could barely recognize this guy. He must’ve been photosynthesizing for ages, or maybe there was something in those closets he was always appaering from. Both contestants were finally in the ring, and it was time to begin the boxing matches of not a lifetime, of not a century, but of all time. The judge was none other than Fred Dome, and he was also serving refreshments in the stands. That is something only Fred Dome can do.

The match started and Shroops and Louie started hopping around the ring. You can tell they had perfected the 50-50 weight distribution. While analyzing Shroops was pretty straightforward, I had never seen a Bornean Orangutan box before, so I was in for a treat. King Louie utilized a posture unique to him, one which took advantage of his long arms. Shroops threw the first swing, Louie dodged left and countered, going for Shroops’ core. Shroops teleported backwards, I mean this man moved so fast, and the audience almost went crazy again (they were crazy but the crazy of the audience was at a whole other level). Louie then went on the offensive, making use of his god-tier reach. He swung right, and immediately swung left, Shroops blocked the one on the right and ducked under the one on the left. He ran towards Louie and tried to go for an uppercut put King Louie grabbed Shroops’ arms with his feet. Was this even legal?? I don’t know, Wopps Minor has certainly covered more sports than me so I’ll have to check with him later. Shroops was in a sticky situation, but King Louie couldn’t really move either. Time was almost out for the first round, and Shroops escaped Louie’s feet! He went straight for Louie’s face and I swear it connected, but it only almost did. The moment before Shroops was about to enlighten King Louie’s face with the Almighty VEG power, an explosion propogated in the middle of the ring. Out of the explosion came Sheeple Dunnell, head of SAR, and Brain Jones.

This article is getting pretty long, so unfortunately we’ll have to leave it at a cliffhanger. Fear not, the 2nd part will surely come soon, I hope. This has been Mister Mjir, popping in and now popping out.