As you may have heard in a recent Mjir article, the HBA isn’t too happy with the renaming of a local sports team to the Houston, Texas HecreTaries. An HBA spokesperson recently called what they believe to be nothing more than an attention-grabbing publicity stunt an “attention-grabbing publicity stunt”. According to the spokesperson, “Legal action is promised. Our best men are working to right this horrible wrong”

And legal action was indeed taken. The HBA was very intent on taking the issue right to the courts, and so right to the courts they took the issue. The case was judged by a Mr. Nai Dorfsis-Ilian. The captain of the Houston, Texas HecreTaries, Joke Hoes was representing the defense (I suspect they blew all their budget paying handball fines to actually hire an actual lawyer), and a very special person headed the HBA’s veritable legal army.

As the designated court reporter (you can’t imagine the hours of Typing Trainer required to land that gig), I was shocked when Af Roman coolly walked into the room. Apparently he had finished that tour of his former empire, and deciding to reclaim it some other day, had gotten back into the professional intimidation business.
An image of the Houston, Texas HecreTaries soccer team in action. They’ve attracted much criticism for their violent play and constant handballing, but that’s their personal choice, I guess. Too bad 87.6% of their team gets red carded each game, on average.

The case started out pretty lacklusterly, as most cases these days do. Just a bunch of people talking legal whatnot. But then the fireworks began. We all learned the HBA’s secret plan in bringing Af Roman. He was to cross-examine the Houston, Texas HecreTaries’ witnesses so intimidatorily that they would faint on the spot, or something like that.

The first witness of the HecreTaries was a professional typist that talked about how there was a difference between a capital letter and a lowercase error. While questioning this witness, the prosecution also brought up how Blat Beck received different treatment when he held up the same sign in lowercase versus uppercase. After that, it was Af Roman’s turn. He began by asking the typist’s name, first, then last. Next came “when were you born?” Next came his mother’s maiden name, his social security number, and finally the location of a shoebox he buried that was filled with shimilac. Finally, Roman leaned in real close and said, “Foolboy, I know where you live. I know who you work for. I know everything about you. But I have one last question. Do you know who my uncle is?”

The typist, intimidated to the core, promptly leaped off of the witness stand and ran away screaming. Not the first time I just had to marvel at Af Roman’s intimidatory prowess. Truly an expert in his craft.

The second witness was Seth George, a local resident of Houston, Texas. Joke Hoes had called him to testify that Houston was indeed a real place. Hoes wished to argue that the Houston, Texas HecreTaries had a greater presence in Houston, Texas than the HBA (big mistake). Not only were the HecreTaries universally hated as a sports team, the HBA has many chapters in Houston.

When it came time to cross-examine, Af Roman walked up to George with nothing but a smile on his face. “What’s up, Mr. Double-first name?” Aside from that remark, the examination actually went quite normally. However, Mr. George was so terrified from the typist’s turn with Roman that he kept expecting something intimidatory to happen. The tension got to him, and just as Roman was about to walk back to his seat, Seth George broke. He said that Hoes paid him to state that he had heard of the Houston, Texas HecreTaries before, despite the fact that the team lived many hundreds of miles from Houston. Another point for the HBA!

After some deliberation, the judge ruled that the former Houston, Texas HecreTaries had to change their names to the Florida #$!$!@#$%#@-ers. Whether or not the team has to move to Florida was not discussed, so who knows. After the verdict was given, honorable judge Nai Dorfsis-Ilian hurried from the courthouse, without giving so much as a reason for the verdict.

Perhaps Dorfsis-Ilian was really hungry and just wanted to get the case over with. Maybe he was salty that the HecreTaries has surprisingly won their most recent soccer game against Santa Monica Squirm Masters, despite countless fouls and every player on the team getting disqualified for picking the ball up and running with it, except Joe Hoes. Hoes somehow managed to get the ball into the goal without picking it up, and the Squirm Masters were simply too beaten up to even kick the ball in the direction of the HecreTaries’ goal. Or maybe Af Roman’s intimidation powers rolled off on him a little too strongly. Who knows?

Whew, I sure am taking my time with these articles. Hopefully another will be posted within the next year. Sometimes I really regret those procrastination lessons from Shroops the Mighty. Well, Woops out. I’ll think of a fun ending gimmick later, although I’ve gotta say, Mister Mjir’s popping in and out is quite fire.