Ever since he was a young’un, local dyude Gordon Oohbeedoo has wanted to serve his community by being elected to office Every tuesday at four, he would come straight home from Leafblower Elementary (in which the situation is pretty dang tense) and hop onto the local political TV channel. Oohbeedoo loved to just watch political candidates debate each other, spittle flying from their mouths, their faces getting progressively redder until the tension of the debate escalated into a fistfight. That usually happened at 5:45, so Gordon was able to watch all the good stuff and still had time to get ready for his weekly bathroom break at 6. From a young age, Gordon Oohbeedoo had developed such strong feelings towards being able to run for a role so that he could be just like his heroes on TV. That was 23.29 years ago.

But sadly, some currently developing news may put an end to Gordon’s budding political career. Streaming corporation Nit Flex (the one that recently made news for removing their ‘Cancel Subscription’ button) has released a frankly quite concerning statement. It seems that Gordon Oohbeedoo values his own life far more than his position on snaxing rights. How could someone so obviously indifferent towards a contentious political issue ever hope to be elected. But where did this information come from? To see, we’ll jump back a couple years.

After Gordon finished his high school career, he immediately enrolled in the best law and politics school this side of Chattanooga, Weedwhacker University. Oohbeedoo, being an all around star student, quickly gained the admiration of teachers and colleagues alike. His ideas were great, and he soon gained a following. As a classmate of Gordon’s once said, “He was headed for greatness”. Needless to say, that classmate retracted this quote as soon as he heard of the recent scandal.

Which brings us to (almost) the present day. Gordon was practically a shoe-in for mayor. He was well liked with everybody, and there wasn’t a soul that contested his policy on Snaxing rights. Gordon promised that if he was elected, he wouldn’t put a limit on the amount of Snaxii, and would repeal the previous administrations altogether-quite-stupid catch-and-release program. After all, the more snaxii snaxed, the better. Gordon additionally preached that he would allocate the vast majority of government funds to the research and development of new snaxing tools, including the fabled Mega Sticky Hand of old. Everybody loved Gordon, and everybody loved his policies. That is, except for one Nithin Felix.

For reasons yet unknown, Nit Flex’s Human Outreach and Surveying Them Association (minus Geriatric Elders) (HOSTAGE) gently escorted Gordon to Nit Flex headquarters in a black SUV. Eyewitness account Framella Fronelly claimed that Gordon looked quite appalled (and beaten up) from the back seat of the car, but HOSTAGE assures us that this is not the case.

And then, something downright appalling happened. Two weeks after being seen kidnappedescorted by HOSTAGE, an alarming blog post started to surface. You may recognize the author with the very-concerning name from a previous article.

Hopefully he keeps quiet after this post, because every time I read that altogether-quite-deprave name, I die a little bit inside. But this article isn’t about me (if it was, it would be 3x as long and contain multiple flowery odes). Needless to say, Oohbeedoo’s treasonous words (I can’t bring myself to repeat them, even as type) disgusted many of his hardcore supporters, and less-hardcore supporters as well. In effect, basically everyone hated him now. That author with the frankly abhorrible name also went on in a separate post (twice the AdSense!) to detail how Gordon was also recorded to have said: “Please spare my family! I care about them so much more than whatever that script you’re giving me’ll say! Please!” and other equally politically sabotaging statements.

The blog posts had the immediate effect of reversing the changes that Oohbeedoo had worked so hard to achieve. Everywhere, people only took Gordon’s name as invective of the highest order. So much as saying, “Oohbeedoo!”, in a public area was the societal equivalent of reacting Cesium and Water. Yikers!

The election is on the brink, and it would take a great deal more than a miracle for Gordon to redeem himself and actually live up to his childhood dream of being elected. But who knows? Maybe he’ll make a grand escapeexit from the HOSTAGE dungeonoffice on the night before the election (somehow avoiding the lynch mobs patrolling for him) and make a speech with persuasive prowess rivaling persuasive_article.md. Nah, who am I kidding? Have you seen how much the people here love to snaxe? And Oohbeedoo just ferociously attacked it in that very-official statement.

In short, “RIP Gordon Oohbeedoo”, according to the blogger-with-the-unsavory-username.

Dang, there was a lot of time-hopping in the beginning of this article. Got to be freaking quadratic storytelling or something. I guess I have Adalbert Bulstrode to thank for being able to do it, I guess. Legend has it that modern day leaders such as Anna Džana took inspiration from Gordon Oohbeedoo during his glory days, and for good reason. I wonder what those leaders are feeling right now, seeing that their hero has admitted to caring about himself and his family more than his political views.

Gee, I wonder what Wopps is doing. Haven’t heard from him in a while. Eh, maybe he’s just practicing one of those procrastination techniques Shroops the Mighty taught him. But what do I care about a frankly quite weird sometimes-British bunny rabbit? It’s in times like these that I draw upon the words of my late mother’s father-in-law: “rat-a-tat-tat-tat-t