Many people feel that keeping your weight in control is key to living a happy, healthy life. Area Britisher Josgot Rhobbed took this life lesson to the extreme just a couple of days ago, when he reported that he had lost 500 pounds in just a single night. What sorcery! Hope he gives me some good weight loss tips, ngl.

Indeed, I think Josgot’s inspiration for his extreme weight loss came from the sad, sad saga of Bert Bulstrode, who ate a 13.5” cheesecake and consequently was rendered essentially immobile until his digestive juices did their thing. No one would want to be in a plight like Bulstrode’s, so it’s only sensible that Mr. Rhobbed quickly attempted to shed all his extra pounds. Haters (like SAR’s chief poindexter, Sheeple Dunnell(or Dunnel, the jury’s still out on that one)) would say that that level of weight loss is impossible, unless you lose an arm and a leg (or more likely, both at once). However, I say that if you aspire with your ideas, then nearly anything is possible, including losing 500 pounds overnight.

Josgot actually agreed to an interview with Hecrenews’s own Biggin Mammo (who for very ambiguous reasons has made it out of the comma he fell in some time ago, and when he pulled up to the interview spot (in an undisclosed location to protect the veracity of our news services) he’d brought a friend. Or more accurately, he’d dragged a person wearing a ski mask and gloves there with him by his ears.

Biggin Mammo: “Welcome, welcome. I see you’ve brought someone with you.”

Josgot Rhobbed: “Not just any someone, this man’s responsible for the theft of 500 pounds!”

Josgot promptly yanks the ski mask off of the other person’s face, revealing him to be Robald Shickner. Biggin Mammo is undoubtedly surprised, and flickers of PTSD from the comma he fell into play across his face.

Robald Shickner: “I’ll never confess. Never! Why I’ll—”

Mammo: “Ah, I see you’ve brought your weight loss coach along for the interview as well. How thoughtful, to give your mentor and guide through this journey some credit as well.”

Rhobbed: “What? No, this man took 500 pounds from me in the dead of night!”

Mammo: “So you’re saying that sleep was the key to your impressive weightloss?I’ll keep that in mind.”

Rhobbed: “This. Man. Robbed. Me.”

Shickner: “No I didn’t. I’m the weight loss coach, as you said.”

Mammo: “See, 2 against 1. Of course we know what happened to you better than you do. Now, Mr. Coach-guy. I could’ve sworn I’ve seen you somewhere. Have we met?”

Shickner: “Uhm, definitely not. No sirree. You might have seen me on RentAWeightLossCoachNoVirus.com. You certainly look like you need one.”

Mammo: “You’re lucky I’m in a good mood today, I’ll let you off with a warning.”

All this time, Rhobbed has been getting more and more agitated that no one is listening to the sacrifices he underwent to lose 500 pounds in just a single night (or agitated about something, at least)

Rhobbed: “Alright. If we’re done with believing that this thief is my weight loss coach and half recognizing each other, can we get back to the matter at hand. Let me spell it out for you, real-slow. I Just Got Robbed.

Mammo: “I Biggin Mammo.”

Shickner(muttering): “Guess that comma knocked more out of you than I thought.”

Mammo: “Anywho, Mr. Shickner, is it? How were you able to convince Josgot to follow your training regimen? It must have been hard, losing 500 pounds in one night.”

Shickner: “Oh, it sure was, but I’m sure Josgot remembers it as being as sudden as realizing that one’s wallet is no longer in their pocket. Er, if you emotionally connect with that very hypothetical example, that is.

Rhobbed: “Well, I do. Because this man pickpocketed my wallet right out of my pocket at a busy street corner. Good thing my wallet’s bedazzled with razor-sharp spikes and the such, just following recent trends. I saw the things poking out of his pocket and was onto him like a heat-seeking missile.”

Shickner: “Well, you forgot to mention that your wallet had spikes on both sides.”

At this point, Robald Shickner winces and rubs at his thigh, as if remembering a traumatic spike-removal session

Mammo: “So basically, Coach here metaphorically grabbed those pounds off of you? I’m not sure why you’d represent body fat as a wallet, but then again it has been a while since I’ve been out and about on the streets.”

Rhobbed proceeds to make several agony-filled agonizing noises and tries to strangle Mammo, then Shickner, then himself when he realizes that he lacks the hand size to wrap his hands around Mammo’s neck of considerable girth, and the strength to do much of anything to seasoned criminal Robald Shickner

Mammo: “Well, now that the obligatory attack-the-interviewer part of the interview is out of the way, I’ve got a question for your coach. Are you still offering your services? How much would it cost for a reduction in, say, 500 more pounds?”

Shickner: “About $679.44 USD. Or 50 shimilac, whichever you prefer.”

Mammo: “Great! Wherever do you find deals like these, Rhobbed?”

Rhobbed(in a defeated sort of way): “from the black market I dunno man they just kind of skulk up behind me and try to swindle me out of the fruits of my labor.”

Mammo: “Well I wouldn’t really call it the fruits of your labor. Maybe the doughnuts of your labor.”

Rhobbed: “I give up.”

Josgot Rhobbed then uncharacteristically dove out of the window. This wasn’t the window that Robald and his brother Jonas had doven through some months prior (which was never fixed), but instead a brand new, just-asking-for-it pane of glass. Welp, there goes our electricity budget. Biggin Mammo was left along with Robald Shickner, and apparently all it took was someone diving out of a window to trigger his previous PTSD. Into another comma he falls. We’ve really got to be careful where we leave those commas lying around. They are very sharp, especially on the bottom end. Robald, like the experienced window-diver he was, elected to use the first hole he and his brother’d made that day, and got away scot-free.

It sure is a mystery how Josgot Rhobbed lost all those pounds so quickly. Although the miracle power (and agile fingers) of Robald Shickner may have had a role in it. I hear after hearing Josgot’s story, though, people all over the world are alternately buying duct tape bands for their wallets and hiring Shickner to help them lose their excess body fat.

When he realized that he had lost so much weight so quickly, Rhobbed immediately contacted a local police station about the loss of 500 pounds. This isn’t the right way to do report your weight-loss success story, sadly. While we do have contacts inside the law enforcement system (and everywhere else), it just is a hassle. If anything newsworthy (or anything at all) happens to you, be sure to immediately contact the Hecrenews Article Tip Line so that the best, most veracious news source out there can spread the word.

Wopps out.