In recent times (let’s say a week or so), you may have found there to be more hecrenews articles than of late. Well, this sort of good luck doesn’t come around just by chance, now does it. To tell you the truth, the h-news staff has been afflicted by a terribly terrible epidemic as of late, a very beastly thing.

Sheeple Dunnell/Dunnel (jury still out on that one btw (jk jk we’re just milking this situation to pad the word count (and maybe make an article out of it too))) was among the first to recover. He quickly sequenced the disease’s eigenvalues and differentiated the Paranthropus Index for the mystery epidemic’s known Skyr Factor. This obviously gave him the hereditarial right to name the disease, and he coined the term Procrastinatovirus.

The effects of the Procrastinatovirus were severe, to say the least. Every single author was under the influence effects of the disease, rendering us completely incapable of coming up with accurately reporting news stories.

Luckily, Hecrenews had an ace up its sleeve. A Peruvian ace, to be precise. Pablo (from Peru, to be Pablovianly double-precise).
Artist’s depiction of Pablo, our Pablovian Peruvian savior

While Sheeple Dunnel/Dunnell/Donnel? cooked up a cure, Pablo was able to carry the hecrenews, posting about all the goings-on in Peru and ensuring that our loyal readers were always filled to the brim with genuine, newsworthy stories. Eventually Dunnel/etc/etc tracked down the source of the procrastinatovirus, and was astonished.

In an old, abandoned corner of an old, abandoned closet in the old, abandoned brand spankin’ new hecrenews office, was one Shroops the Mighty, procrastinatore extraordinaire. It seems that Shroops had gone into the closet for some purpose many months ago, but just ended up procrastinating on getting back out. The daily delay vibes were so strong that it ended up being contagious, and soon the rest of the staff was horribly infected, not able to do anything but act like general wastefellows.

But all is well with the world. Just as snaxe oil is used to make antivenom (or at least that’s what the very convincing salesman on the street told me), Sheeple produced the antidote from Shroops. While I’m sure that process was very painful, Shroops the Mighty was not available for comment, as he was very busy doing something vague and nonspecific. With the antidote in hand, Dunnel/whatever quickly administered it to the writers and rest of the staff, and we were back, better than ever, and ready to post on the reg.

Except Banana the Human of course; he’s been drawn away do deal with some grapes this time.

Hmmm, this handy-dandy tool says that this article’s reading level is at that of a college student. I guess you can say that I went all “rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat” on the membean here.