With travel restrictions possible coming to a close soon, there’s soon to be a mad stampede for the nearest planes as people don’t hesitate to catch up on their traveling, vacationing, and in-flight entertainmenting. However, according to some handy dandy economic principles, this future positive demand shock will result in an increase in the equilibrium price for plane tickets. Oh heavens!

But don’t worry. The hecrenews has gotchu fam. Recently, one of our star interviewers, Biggin Mammo, made the mistake of getting stranded in Agra, India. Unfortunately, the Hecretary Bird Association, after learning that we spent our travel funds (supposed to be for annual pilgrimages to Room 808, the birthplace of the modern HBA), on a random trip to the Taj Mahal to interview it and missed the plane back, wasn’t too willing to hand us enough funding for a ticket back home. We therefore had no funds, and had one overseas Mammo to get back.

The good people at the Hecrenews (us) were hard-pressed to come up with a solution to get our beloved Biggin Mammo back. Without our star interviewer, we would be run aground in terms of article productivity, as if we weren’t already. After all, we would only have our associate interviewer Fred Dome on the interrogationinterviewing team.

Thus, we searched hard for a solution. And then, as if by magic, a solution presented itself to us! On the hecrenews article tip line one day, we were astonished to find a most interesting tip (we were astonished because nobody ever gives us news, but that’s beside the point😭). You might recognize the name from Ms. Eritrea Take’s School for Uncouth Criminals.

While I’m sure the stealing of the Eiffel Tower is a matter of national concern (and soon to be the second famous landmark-based article in recent memory), the tip gave us writers an inkling of an idea. It may sound far-fetched, but listen. The mystery criminal was extradited to the US and all, but for FREE! We now had a plan. But what crime would Biggin Mammo have to commit that would be so severe to get him extradited, yet not depraved to the point where he would be instantly lynched. What would fit? And then it hit.

On a video call with Biggin Mammo, we were astonished to see how much he had changed since he left to interview the Taj Mahal. Where there was once, well, a Biggin, now we were faced with a scrawnier, turbaned fellow. Must be the veg food that caused him to lose so much body mass. Smh veg. But I digress. We were so appalled at the state of our poor Mammo that we immediately resolved to force him to commit a crime of some sort, just so that we could get him back (and hopefully throw a delightfully non vegetarian welcome-back feast).

In the end, hecrenews staff decided to go for a tried and true method. Mammo stood in a busy market corner, proclaiming his (false, ofc) affiliation with the snaxii to all. While there were some who seemed to take a liking to him, and thought he would dance if they played a tune, the vast majority mobbed Mammo within seconds. Fortunately, Mammo, having already fallen into a comma, had a hardened soul and was not mentally rekt like Blat Beck.

To make a long story short, Biggin Mammo was immediately arrested for “public snaxialaxiality” and is to be extradited to the US, where he will face criminal charges in front of a high court, and atone for his crimes. But at the very least, it’s free for us!

Wopps Out.